Waiting for my Mum and sister to finish shopping
Me: *Looks at the time to realize over ten minutes of just sitting outside has passed* So . . . is this how you feel all the time when we're looking at stuff?
Me: Well this blows.
Me: I'll be sure to find a wife that doesn't like to shop like these two, or there will be a husband chair in every store with my name on it.
Dad: *Picks up an M&M he dropped five minutes ago and eats it*
Me: Did you really just eat that?
Dad: I have an immune system.
*My 94 year old great grandmother had just passed out cookies to the grand-kids and my sister dropped hers*
Sister: Mine fell of the floor.
Gram: You have an immune system; pick it up, eat it, and stop bitching about it.
Me: Hey, we need peanut butter.
Me: *Finds seven new jars of peanut butter* . . . Thanks.
My Mum is currently making custom paper lanterns. A few hours ago, this happened
Mum: What the fuck? Martha Stewart said this shit would be easy.
Nikki (My Mum's Friend): Just remember, Martha Stewart went to jail.
Mum: *Looks to see I'm wearing the same sweatshirt I always wear* So, are you known for that sweatshirt?
Me: Yup. Did you know Einstein owned several of the same outfit and wore the same clothes every day to simplify his life?
Mum: Yeah, but Einstein also married his cousin . . . don't you being doing that.
So all of my grandparents have either moved away or are selling their house
During the winter months, my Mum’s Mum and Dad’s Mum (and their husbands) live in Florida during the winter months. My Dad’s Mum is in the process of selling her house and will live down the cape in the summer months. My Mum’s Dad (and his wife) have now moved to North Carolina. It makes me horribly sad when I can’t drive a half an hour to get to their houses anymore. I don’t like change when it means my family is leaving.
Me: So, yeah, the Westboro Baptist Church might be coming.
Mum: The idiots that picket funerals.
Dad: Oh. Well, they won't be away with that in Boston. Bostonians won't be putting up with that shit. I'm sure there will be some blood if they try and get too close.
My Mom Everyone
Me: Guess what mother fuckers might be coming to Boston?
Me: Westboro Baptist Church.
Mum: They won't get anywhere near what's going on. Bostonians won't be putting up with this bullshit.
Me: They says it's because we let gays marry.
Karley: Do you know who's the cutest? Justin Bieber.
Dad: Oh yeah, he IS the cutest. Do you know what else is the cutest? My butt!
Me: *High Fives*
“I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me,” it reads. “The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home OJ and bread after class. We are out, like you now. I’ve known you were gay since you were six, I’ve loved you since you were born.”
He signs it “Dad” and finishes with a post script: “Your mom and I think you and Mike make a cute couple.”
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Me: *Comes downstairs after seeing a call from the school* Hey, what did the school say?
Dad: There's a half hour delay
Me: *Looks outside* Are you shitting me? There's a good six inches out there!
Dad: *Laughs* Yeah, there's no school; go back to bed.
Me: *Mumbles* Jerk
Dad: *Comes into my room* Hey, have you seen my glasses?
Me: When did you lose them?
Dad: Before I went to the hospital.
Me: WHY THE HELL WERE YOU AT THE HOSPITAL?
Dad: I had to get stitches.
Me: Well this is news to me!
It doesn’t matter to me who you love, just as long as you’re happy.